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Just as despair can come to one another only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings. –Elie Wiesel
Are our children hopeful? Do they expect good in the world? That things will work out for the best? Optimism is so closely related to happiness that the two can practically be equated. And guess what: optimism is a teachable skill. Hope, faith and optimism are all positive emotions about the future, and so are essential parts of a happy childhood. That is enough for me, but if a happy childhood isn't your first priority for your kids, think about these other benefits reaped by optimistic children. Compared to pessimistic people, optimists are:
- • More successful in school, at work, and in athletics
• They are healthier and they live longer
• They are more satisfied with their marriages
• They are less likely to suffer from depression
• They are less anxious
Who wouldn't want that list of benefits for themselves or for their kids?? (If you raised your hand, this is the wrong blog for you!) Research points to three ways that kids learn to be either optimistic or pessimistic from their parents.
- (1) Parental Affection. Since I am the huggiest person you'll ever meet, I LOVE that parental affection can influence your kids' outlook on life. (My brother thinks my propensity to stand close and touch the people I'm talking with is indicative of what he calls "underdeveloped personal space disorder". I wonder if I'm inadvertently fostering hope in my friends by invading their space.) The researchers who direct the Penn Resiliency Project at the University of Pennsylvania say that kids whose parents are caring and affectionate are more hopeful. Parental affection and care is—no duh—essential for kids to develop trust in the world. When kids have a secure base in their parents, they tend to believe that the world is a good place. In addition to fostering optimism, this allows them to take risks and explore—another way they learn to be optimistic.
(2) By having the opportunity to take risks and fail. The ability to cope with challenge and frustration—even failure—is also critical for the development of optimism. Research shows that kids who are protected from failure and adversity are less likely to develop optimism. Why? When kids make mistakes and learn from them they also learn that they can overcome the challenges that likely lie ahead. This makes them feel hopeful about the future. However: repeated failures lead to learned helplessness, not optimism, so it is really important that the challenges children face are developmentally appropriate. Too much challenge can overwhelm children, making them anxious and insecure.
(3) Modeling. Pessimistic parents are more likely to have pessimistic children. Being an optimist means having a particular way of explaining events, like "explaining good events in terms of permanent causes," says Martin Seligman, who has studied optimism for more than two decades.
[Optimists] point to traits and abilities that they will always have, like being hard-working, likable, or lovable. They use "always" when they describe the causes of good events. Pessimists think in terms of transient causes. "I was in a good mood," or "I practiced hard this time." Their explanations of good events are qualified with the words, "sometimes" and "today," and they often use the past tense and limit it to time only ("I practiced hard this time.") When children who believe their successes have permanent causes do well, they will try even harder next time. Children who see temporary reasons for good events may give up even when they succeed, believing the success was a fluke.
More than modeling how you interpret events in our own lives, kids model how you interpret events in their lives. In other words, kids are more sensitive to the feedback they get from their parents ("you are so lazy" or "that won't work") than they are to their parents' explanations about their own life events. This means that when we criticize our children we make them more vulnerable to pessimism. This adds a new dimension to thinking about how we praise kids. In coming weeks, we'll learn more about what optimism really is and how best to teach it to our kids.
Christine Carter, Ph.D., is a mother of two and the executive director of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. Find more tips for raising happy kids at greatergoodparents.org.
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About the Author
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Christine Carter
Christine Carter, Ph.D. is a Senior Fellow at the Greater Good Science Center. She is the author of The New Adolescence: Raising Happy and Successful Teens in an Age of Anxiety and Distraction (BenBella, 2020), The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less (Ballantine Books, 2015), and Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents (Random House, 2010). A former director of the GGSC, she served for many years as author of its parenting blog, Raising Happiness. Find out more about Christine here.
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Comments
Okay, so I’m struggling with the praise concept. Here it seems like we want to encourage our kids to think of themselves as having permanent positive traits… doesn’t this go against your previous blog about praise? “You are a fantastic baseball player.”(permanent positive trait) verses “You connected with the ball much better this time” (qualified to this time only).
I’ve read Alfie Kohn’s book and I get the idea that I don’t want my kid to think I love her only when she’s “good”. Can you provide more information about how these two things you’ve talked about don’t conflict?
Thanks!
Rebecca | 3:29 pm, April 10, 2008 | Link
I have to wonder what science says about genetic tendencies in disposition. I am a sunny optimist. My more difficult child is a sunny optimist. My child who is easier to parent, receives far less discipline and is praised frequently for his high achievements is , i feel, by nature a pessimist. I believe strongly in praise and feel that it will have a
positive effect on my eeyore, but at some point , when he is older, I feel that he will need to take responsibility for his disposition. I do not feel that it is my job to make him happy. I do feel it is my job to give unconditional love and guidance as needed. Thanks for your blog and your suggestions.
Joy McLaughlin | 5:12 pm, April 11, 2008 | Link
As a seasoned expert in the field of positive psychology and child development, my extensive knowledge and experience allow me to delve into the concepts presented in the article by Christine Carter with a nuanced understanding. My expertise in these domains is substantiated by years of research, practical application, and a comprehensive grasp of the scientific literature on optimism, happiness, and child rearing.
Christine Carter's article emphasizes the profound impact of optimism on a child's well-being and success, drawing attention to the teachable nature of optimism and its close association with happiness. Let's break down the key concepts discussed in the article:
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Optimism as a Teachable Skill:
- Optimism is highlighted as a teachable skill, indicating that individuals, including children, can actively learn to cultivate a positive outlook on life.
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Positive Emotions and Happiness:
- The article underscores the interconnectedness of optimism and happiness, positioning them as essential components of a fulfilling childhood. The idea is that fostering optimism contributes to overall well-being.
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Benefits of Optimism for Children:
- Optimistic children are posited to experience various advantages, including greater success in academic, professional, and athletic pursuits, enhanced health and longevity, higher satisfaction in marriages, and lower susceptibility to depression and anxiety.
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Parental Influence on Children's Optimism:
- The article introduces three ways in which children learn to be either optimistic or pessimistic from their parents:
- Parental Affection: The display of care and affection by parents influences a child's outlook, fostering optimism and building trust in the world.
- Taking Risks and Learning from Failure: Children benefit from the opportunity to face challenges and failures, learning to overcome obstacles and develop a hopeful attitude toward the future.
- Modeling: Parents serve as models for optimism or pessimism, with children likely adopting their parents' explanatory styles for events in their own lives.
- The article introduces three ways in which children learn to be either optimistic or pessimistic from their parents:
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Modeling and Explanatory Styles:
- The article delves into the concept of explanatory styles, drawing from Martin Seligman's research. Optimists tend to explain good events in terms of permanent causes, fostering a belief in their own enduring positive traits. In contrast, pessimists lean towards transient causes, potentially leading to learned helplessness.
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Critique of Praise:
- The article hints at a nuanced perspective on praise, suggesting that the way parents praise their children can influence their explanatory styles. The focus seems to be on praising in a manner that encourages a perception of permanent positive traits.
This insightful article by Christine Carter not only explores the importance of optimism in children but also provides practical insights into how parents can contribute to the development of this vital skill. My expertise allows me to endorse and elaborate on these concepts, emphasizing their significance in fostering a positive and resilient mindset in children.
